Judgmental

Something I’ve taken a big look at lately is the perception of James M. Cornett. What am I really like? What personality traits define me?

Just who am I, exactly?

Am I the slightly insane (…okay, EXTREMELY insane) giggly maniac that most of you have seen walking around North Manchester, willing to trip himself up a bit or act like a Down Syndrome-afflicted person AFTER huffing the entire contents of the kitchen sink just to make everyone else smile around him?

Am I the rage-filled jackass that, the moment someone even remotely starts getting on my case, lashes out with explicit anger at everyone that really doesn’t deserve it all to attempt (and there’s the key word here) to make a point because it seems that’s the only way I’m heard?

Am I the walked-on pushover who allows myself to be shoved and degraded by people who are supposed to care?

Am I the creative mastermind Semaj Transcon, the guy who managed to change the landscape of the music scene in my home area alongside a few other key citizens?

Am I the selfish bastard of a writing group that, go figure, had his last work in the group completely ignored because it was ‘self-serving’ while the successor is praised for the resolution despite it not having any continuity in the larger process and being unable to argue it because it was the ‘final draft’ anyway?

Am I the guy who’s been making himself bleed for years trying to calm the negativity of my own voice telling me that I’m worthless and should have died ten years ago?

Am I the empty-headed idiot who keeps spacing out and withdrawing from people because he’s no longer sure who he can trust?

Maybe I’m all of those things at once, and based on the amount of feedback I’ve gotten in recent weeks, it’s hard to argue that fact. The more I talk to people who dare to care, the more I realize this isn’t some recent issue like I had assumed at first. This has been an on-going, ever-infinite process that got worse and worse until I was damaging myself right out in the open.

So I’ve begun to take some steps to try to re-evaluate myself without being judged or insulted for doing something I’m ‘not supposed to do’ or saying something that ‘might offend’ people. Really, if I want to offend people, that’s where my JMC page comes in. People have cared, I won’t lie, but there’s only been a select number of people in my life, including a few recent additions, that understand the kind of person I am.

Do I have anger issues? Yeah. Give me one bully victim who never got a decent outcome to their struggles who is even REMOTELY well-adjusted.

Am I a bit self-absorbed? Look at the way the world works—TRY to tell me I shouldn’t be this way when the people who only give a fuck about themselves are the ones that succeed!

Do I have the attention span of a cocker spa—SQUIRREL!

But do any of you people who think you’re my friends actually understand what’s been going on with me? Sure, a couple of you know more about the recent problems than others, I’ll give you that, but do you actually have a clue what it’s doing to my head? I’ve had so much stress unnecessarily put onto my shoulders, stuff that would have broken the average minded person so long ago, and yet because I had to be the strong one of my family, I carried burdens I should not have had to. There are sins in my past that I’m still looking for forgiveness in myself for, even though I’ve been absolved of those sins many years ago by the ones I’d done wrong by, and I honestly believe now, based on analyzing certain aspects of my younger years, that I may have been a victim of more than one circumstance. I can’t recall it well enough to know for certain, but the signs are all pointing to the major possibility.

The point is, I have a lot of things in my own head to clear up, and rather than open myself up to the public, I’d rather have a small limited group of people who know and understand me that I can confide in as opposed to the open mouth policy I had before. Does it seem like I’m being insulting to my so called friends? Yeah, but a lot of them have said they don’t like my private business aired out anyway, so why is is suddenly a big deal now that they have to see what’s going on?

Some people think I’m abandoning them after they gave so much of their ‘support’ making sure I was ‘okay’, when really they’re as big a problem as the rest of the more open nasties out there. Some people, who have openly chastized decisions I’ve made for various reasons, are suddenly flabbergasted that I’d want to avoid having them see what they could interpret as a repeat of history when things have fallen into my lap beyond my control.

And it’s not just the internet-only people. My own ex-wife, who up to this point was faking her sympathy for me, has suddenly turned against me when I told her I wanted the divorce papers in two weeks. Granted, I wasn’t the nicest about it, but I figure, she’s been waiting for a year and a half. If she’s as serious about marrying the fiance she scored three months after she kicked me out at the bus station in Fort Hood (yeah, and people say I move fast…), you’d think she’d be able to scrounge up the needed money for the notary so this could get done quickly.

Evidently, she’s not in that big of a hurry.

And then she has the nerve, after chastizing me about taking our issues to Facebook, to rant on there about how ‘she don’t do ultimatums’ and to ‘fuck off, you’re getting the papers when you damn get them’…way to show your true colors to the world…if you were trying to salvage any hope of a friendship after the divorce was fully processed, you might as well have spit the remains into a trash can.

Let me be as clear as I can be here.

I am NOT trying to cause distance between my friends and I. I care about them a lot, and most of the people I removed last week had never done me wrong before. A few have overreacted themselves into blocking me from their lives, and that’s fine—if they were so concerned over my mental health, they shouldn’t have been contributing to its degradation the way they were.

The people on my private profile are the ones I trust because they’ve never stabbed me in the back, never given me reason to pause, never made me feel like I was worthless. Yes, some of you on the public one have and may not remember. The private ones know me better than, arguably, I even know myself. Everyone else sees the exterior…these people (save for a few Dragon Age friends I have on there) have seen the true Jamie where everyone else didn’t.

And I’m arguably better for losing the trash in my life.

Who is the real James M. Cornett?

I don’t know just yet.

But if the last two weeks have been any indication, I’m already in a better place now than I was two months ago.

You’d think that’d account for something…

But then, I’m talking about people as a whole.

And people as a whole can be…

Judgmental.

Be A Man

Be a man.

Be loud and obnoxious to everyone around you.

Be loud enough where it'll cost you your job if the wrong person hears you.

Be vulgar and inappropriate without consideration for others.

Be degrading to your co-workers and friends, then throw a fit when they return the favor.

Be daring enough to date a woman for just one reason, rather than dating her because you like her as a whole.

Be unsure of whether you want to get married or not, but fuck it, you're engaged anyway.

Be forcing your lifestyle on other people even if they were perfect the way they are.

Be hypocritical without ever realizing it by getting onto everyone else and their sister for what you yourself were just doing.

Be intimidating until someone actually steps up to prove how you are, then back down and claim you were just kidding.

Be open that you want everyone to like you and yet act like a jackass in front of them.

If this is what being a man is about,
then count me out.

Heart of Gold

I used to have a heart of gold.

It wasn’t anything special; it didn’t have diamonds or rubies or pearls encrusted into it, it wasn’t on a silver stand for all to see, and it didn’t have etchings of Greek goddesses or ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics detailing epic battles.

In fact, I dare to say that even the most influential jewelers of our time would have looked upon it and sneered in disgust, offended that this “ugly mishapened mound”would even be in the same continent as their priceless works of art.

But it was my heart, and I was proud of the fact that it was simple, that it didn’t need jewels or embellishments for me to appreciate it.

So I showed it off every chance I could by helping people when I thought they really needed it, not disrespecting others even when I should have, and being a gentleman to anyone who deserved it.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

But I was wrong.

Girls abused my generosity and took small pieces of gold from me any chance they could, even stealing it if they had to.

People who felt that I shouldn’t have anything good in life threw dust and mud all over what was left, tarnishing it in the process.

“Friends” whom I’d been loyal to the whole time I’d known them stabbed me in the back, scratching and denting it to where it looked horrible.

Family who should have supported me through it all instead doused it with gasoline, saying I’d deserved what was happening.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the one soul I swore would always keep me sane and never do me wrong abandoned me at the moment I needed them the most, throwing a lit match behind them as they did so.

The match ended up engulfing my heart in flames, melting the last bits of gold away, and turning what was left to ashes.

Now, if you were to ask what I had, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Tee remains have since been washed away by my tears of self-degradation, my beliefs finally matching the truth that others have known for years, that I am not worthy of even the ugliest of the precious stones and gracious metals that occur naturally in our daily lives.

Some people ask for that caring sould they once knew to come back, either because they miss the smiles I had or because they want to take advantage of me further.

But how am I supposed to be compassionate and kind when the thing that made me so has been destroyed by the very people who now want those same traits to return?

And I can’t use someone else’s, because it was made for them, not me, and everyone else has fancier and much more elaborate types than I ever had, made of all kinds of materials.

Stronger metals like steel, titanium, and platinum.

Gemstones like sapphires, emeralds, and amethysts.

Designs like poker card symbols, astrological signs, and loved ones’ names.

I was never worthy of things like that before.

And I never will be again.

I used to have a heart of gold.

Now, I don’t even have that.

Because I’m not worth it.

Heartless

We are taught all our lives that being heartless is one of the worst qualities to have.

Being selfish, not caring about how others feel, retreating to loneliness, insulting everyone...these are considered by many to be negative traits, and we're not supposed to give in to these kinds of behaviors.

Why, then, do the heartless ever succeed in the first place?

Selfish people raise the prices on all our necessities under the false pretenses of supply and demand when they're just making more money.

Politicians insult their peers for simply having a different opinnion to get into their comfy jobs, then, once they're in office, ignore the very people who put them there in the first place so they can do whatever they want.

Loners like Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden influence and inspire unwarranted change in ways the most social among us cannot even begin to fathom.

Yet the heartless are seen as 'weaker' than the rest of us because they don't have love or compassion. Well not for nothing, but when was the last time either one of them done people in general ANY good?

Certainly not in my case.

The way life has rewarded those who are willing to say "screw feeling anything", it's akin to being part of Organization XIII. Does it suck not being able to feel love or joy or sadness? Kinda, but the rewards are outweighing the detriments these days.

I'm not heartless yet.

But I'm getting there.

And when I do...

Be scared.