Judgmental

Something I’ve taken a big look at lately is the perception of James M. Cornett. What am I really like? What personality traits define me?

Just who am I, exactly?

Am I the slightly insane (…okay, EXTREMELY insane) giggly maniac that most of you have seen walking around North Manchester, willing to trip himself up a bit or act like a Down Syndrome-afflicted person AFTER huffing the entire contents of the kitchen sink just to make everyone else smile around him?

Am I the rage-filled jackass that, the moment someone even remotely starts getting on my case, lashes out with explicit anger at everyone that really doesn’t deserve it all to attempt (and there’s the key word here) to make a point because it seems that’s the only way I’m heard?

Am I the walked-on pushover who allows myself to be shoved and degraded by people who are supposed to care?

Am I the creative mastermind Semaj Transcon, the guy who managed to change the landscape of the music scene in my home area alongside a few other key citizens?

Am I the selfish bastard of a writing group that, go figure, had his last work in the group completely ignored because it was ‘self-serving’ while the successor is praised for the resolution despite it not having any continuity in the larger process and being unable to argue it because it was the ‘final draft’ anyway?

Am I the guy who’s been making himself bleed for years trying to calm the negativity of my own voice telling me that I’m worthless and should have died ten years ago?

Am I the empty-headed idiot who keeps spacing out and withdrawing from people because he’s no longer sure who he can trust?

Maybe I’m all of those things at once, and based on the amount of feedback I’ve gotten in recent weeks, it’s hard to argue that fact. The more I talk to people who dare to care, the more I realize this isn’t some recent issue like I had assumed at first. This has been an on-going, ever-infinite process that got worse and worse until I was damaging myself right out in the open.

So I’ve begun to take some steps to try to re-evaluate myself without being judged or insulted for doing something I’m ‘not supposed to do’ or saying something that ‘might offend’ people. Really, if I want to offend people, that’s where my JMC page comes in. People have cared, I won’t lie, but there’s only been a select number of people in my life, including a few recent additions, that understand the kind of person I am.

Do I have anger issues? Yeah. Give me one bully victim who never got a decent outcome to their struggles who is even REMOTELY well-adjusted.

Am I a bit self-absorbed? Look at the way the world works—TRY to tell me I shouldn’t be this way when the people who only give a fuck about themselves are the ones that succeed!

Do I have the attention span of a cocker spa—SQUIRREL!

But do any of you people who think you’re my friends actually understand what’s been going on with me? Sure, a couple of you know more about the recent problems than others, I’ll give you that, but do you actually have a clue what it’s doing to my head? I’ve had so much stress unnecessarily put onto my shoulders, stuff that would have broken the average minded person so long ago, and yet because I had to be the strong one of my family, I carried burdens I should not have had to. There are sins in my past that I’m still looking for forgiveness in myself for, even though I’ve been absolved of those sins many years ago by the ones I’d done wrong by, and I honestly believe now, based on analyzing certain aspects of my younger years, that I may have been a victim of more than one circumstance. I can’t recall it well enough to know for certain, but the signs are all pointing to the major possibility.

The point is, I have a lot of things in my own head to clear up, and rather than open myself up to the public, I’d rather have a small limited group of people who know and understand me that I can confide in as opposed to the open mouth policy I had before. Does it seem like I’m being insulting to my so called friends? Yeah, but a lot of them have said they don’t like my private business aired out anyway, so why is is suddenly a big deal now that they have to see what’s going on?

Some people think I’m abandoning them after they gave so much of their ‘support’ making sure I was ‘okay’, when really they’re as big a problem as the rest of the more open nasties out there. Some people, who have openly chastized decisions I’ve made for various reasons, are suddenly flabbergasted that I’d want to avoid having them see what they could interpret as a repeat of history when things have fallen into my lap beyond my control.

And it’s not just the internet-only people. My own ex-wife, who up to this point was faking her sympathy for me, has suddenly turned against me when I told her I wanted the divorce papers in two weeks. Granted, I wasn’t the nicest about it, but I figure, she’s been waiting for a year and a half. If she’s as serious about marrying the fiance she scored three months after she kicked me out at the bus station in Fort Hood (yeah, and people say I move fast…), you’d think she’d be able to scrounge up the needed money for the notary so this could get done quickly.

Evidently, she’s not in that big of a hurry.

And then she has the nerve, after chastizing me about taking our issues to Facebook, to rant on there about how ‘she don’t do ultimatums’ and to ‘fuck off, you’re getting the papers when you damn get them’…way to show your true colors to the world…if you were trying to salvage any hope of a friendship after the divorce was fully processed, you might as well have spit the remains into a trash can.

Let me be as clear as I can be here.

I am NOT trying to cause distance between my friends and I. I care about them a lot, and most of the people I removed last week had never done me wrong before. A few have overreacted themselves into blocking me from their lives, and that’s fine—if they were so concerned over my mental health, they shouldn’t have been contributing to its degradation the way they were.

The people on my private profile are the ones I trust because they’ve never stabbed me in the back, never given me reason to pause, never made me feel like I was worthless. Yes, some of you on the public one have and may not remember. The private ones know me better than, arguably, I even know myself. Everyone else sees the exterior…these people (save for a few Dragon Age friends I have on there) have seen the true Jamie where everyone else didn’t.

And I’m arguably better for losing the trash in my life.

Who is the real James M. Cornett?

I don’t know just yet.

But if the last two weeks have been any indication, I’m already in a better place now than I was two months ago.

You’d think that’d account for something…

But then, I’m talking about people as a whole.

And people as a whole can be…

Judgmental.

Be A Man

Be a man.

Be loud and obnoxious to everyone around you.

Be loud enough where it'll cost you your job if the wrong person hears you.

Be vulgar and inappropriate without consideration for others.

Be degrading to your co-workers and friends, then throw a fit when they return the favor.

Be daring enough to date a woman for just one reason, rather than dating her because you like her as a whole.

Be unsure of whether you want to get married or not, but fuck it, you're engaged anyway.

Be forcing your lifestyle on other people even if they were perfect the way they are.

Be hypocritical without ever realizing it by getting onto everyone else and their sister for what you yourself were just doing.

Be intimidating until someone actually steps up to prove how you are, then back down and claim you were just kidding.

Be open that you want everyone to like you and yet act like a jackass in front of them.

If this is what being a man is about,
then count me out.

Heart of Gold

I used to have a heart of gold.

It wasn’t anything special; it didn’t have diamonds or rubies or pearls encrusted into it, it wasn’t on a silver stand for all to see, and it didn’t have etchings of Greek goddesses or ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics detailing epic battles.

In fact, I dare to say that even the most influential jewelers of our time would have looked upon it and sneered in disgust, offended that this “ugly mishapened mound”would even be in the same continent as their priceless works of art.

But it was my heart, and I was proud of the fact that it was simple, that it didn’t need jewels or embellishments for me to appreciate it.

So I showed it off every chance I could by helping people when I thought they really needed it, not disrespecting others even when I should have, and being a gentleman to anyone who deserved it.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

But I was wrong.

Girls abused my generosity and took small pieces of gold from me any chance they could, even stealing it if they had to.

People who felt that I shouldn’t have anything good in life threw dust and mud all over what was left, tarnishing it in the process.

“Friends” whom I’d been loyal to the whole time I’d known them stabbed me in the back, scratching and denting it to where it looked horrible.

Family who should have supported me through it all instead doused it with gasoline, saying I’d deserved what was happening.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, the one soul I swore would always keep me sane and never do me wrong abandoned me at the moment I needed them the most, throwing a lit match behind them as they did so.

The match ended up engulfing my heart in flames, melting the last bits of gold away, and turning what was left to ashes.

Now, if you were to ask what I had, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

Tee remains have since been washed away by my tears of self-degradation, my beliefs finally matching the truth that others have known for years, that I am not worthy of even the ugliest of the precious stones and gracious metals that occur naturally in our daily lives.

Some people ask for that caring sould they once knew to come back, either because they miss the smiles I had or because they want to take advantage of me further.

But how am I supposed to be compassionate and kind when the thing that made me so has been destroyed by the very people who now want those same traits to return?

And I can’t use someone else’s, because it was made for them, not me, and everyone else has fancier and much more elaborate types than I ever had, made of all kinds of materials.

Stronger metals like steel, titanium, and platinum.

Gemstones like sapphires, emeralds, and amethysts.

Designs like poker card symbols, astrological signs, and loved ones’ names.

I was never worthy of things like that before.

And I never will be again.

I used to have a heart of gold.

Now, I don’t even have that.

Because I’m not worth it.

Heartless

We are taught all our lives that being heartless is one of the worst qualities to have.

Being selfish, not caring about how others feel, retreating to loneliness, insulting everyone...these are considered by many to be negative traits, and we're not supposed to give in to these kinds of behaviors.

Why, then, do the heartless ever succeed in the first place?

Selfish people raise the prices on all our necessities under the false pretenses of supply and demand when they're just making more money.

Politicians insult their peers for simply having a different opinnion to get into their comfy jobs, then, once they're in office, ignore the very people who put them there in the first place so they can do whatever they want.

Loners like Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden influence and inspire unwarranted change in ways the most social among us cannot even begin to fathom.

Yet the heartless are seen as 'weaker' than the rest of us because they don't have love or compassion. Well not for nothing, but when was the last time either one of them done people in general ANY good?

Certainly not in my case.

The way life has rewarded those who are willing to say "screw feeling anything", it's akin to being part of Organization XIII. Does it suck not being able to feel love or joy or sadness? Kinda, but the rewards are outweighing the detriments these days.

I'm not heartless yet.

But I'm getting there.

And when I do...

Be scared.

Too Fucking Long

Five months.

Almost five months have gone by since my last post here.

I REALLY have to start working on updating this a bit more, and maybe with the oodles of newfound time, maybe my 'complex' and 'selfish' writings will be more appreciated by those of you who are reading. After all, I can't continue to sit bored at my house while everyone else gets their smiles on, and if I have any hope of getting myself back on track...

Let me stop there.

A lot of you are probably confused as hell with that statement. After all, the last time I had written on here, I was in the middle of finding my own place. Well, that has since occurred, and for a while things were excitable. But I have since reverted back to my goddamn Eyeore ways.

Obviously, something was wrong.

I began to hate everything I did, including writing (that right there should tip off my closest friends something wasn't right, as I LOVE to put my thoughts and ideas down on paper), mainly because I was starting to get told that my stuff was, to quote one of them in particular, "very selfish". The complexity was apparently too much for some people to handle. Okay, fine, I don't mind being told this stuff. Unfortunately, this stuff wasn't exactly being told to me DIRECTLY, moreso after I'd already left the groups I'd been participating in. Yeah, there's a way to get people inspired to get better...wait till after they've given up and won't hear your opinions to lay it hard.

Then again, the same thing has been said about me on a personal level, so I shouldn't be too damn surprised.

And people wonder why I don't socialize very much...

And aside from my visits from Zayvin every other weekend, I barely had any reason to smile. Seriously, I still don't. I don't get any sort of enjoyment from the things I used to (including decapitations on Dragon Age, my former favorite hobby), my impulsion has come back full force, and...

I've begun to do something again in a much more visible way.

This isn't just from one thing, though. There are a LOT of things going on in my life that I can't speak about, because I've been asked by people involved not to. Although there are a few things contributing more than others, I just...snapped.

I've since sought out help for what's been going on, but I need something to do in order to keep my mind focused and not have it be tempted to repeat the past.

So lucky you, fuckers, you get to read my more insane moments, just like the good old days of Myspace.

God help us...I think the era of the Cornett Multiverse might finally be back for good this time...

The Return Of The Resident Jackass

The roommates have officially hit my last straw.

So my phones decide, for some strange reason, not to go off on April 1st...and I made sure they were set beforehand. I'm beginning to think someone tampered with my phone while I was sleeping.

But then, the bigger part happens to be the person who owns this home.

Up to this point, he's been making sure I've been up on Fridays before he leaves for what is basically a volunteer job. Yeah, the fucker's 1600 behind on taxes, and yet he's wasting gas to go to a place he USED to work and isn't even getting paid to be there.

Leave this to be the ONE TIME he doesn't do this.

Now, far be it for me to assume he had nefarious intent on doing this, but to be fair, the guy hasn't exactly been favoring me in the disputes in the house as of late.

At 7:10, I hear the doorbell go off and tell the dogs to shut up.

Only to hear my mom knocking at the window.

I was late for work!!!

To give you an idea WHY exactly this pisses me off about Larry and the alarms, I can miss up to 60 hours in a six-month time frame. Because of everything that happened the last few months, I was down to just over an hour.

And work tends to double the points when you forget to call in.

Long story short, had Mom not shown up when she did, I would have been out of a job by the time I would have gotten to the Bindery.

The thing is, I don't know what to be pissed off more about. Yes, the alarms didn't go off, and I'm still convinced that Sprint played a fucked-up April Fool's joke on me, but at the same time, any other week, Larry would have been all over me making sure I was awake and out the door.

Why was Friday the day he didn't?

A few months ago, I could have pegged it as mere coincidence. Now, I'm starting to think he's trying to increase my dependence on him. And I ain't about to have that anymore.

So I've taken the first few steps this weekend regarding this particular problem. I took my phone number and got it on a prepaid (which pissed off the other roommate...he had gotten the phones under the impression he was going to be on disability by now...) and I'm currently working on getting my own apartment. I've also decided that until further notice, the roommates aren't getting shit from me regarding rent. Considering that Brandon has flat-out refused to do ANYTHING in the house anymore (save for the occasional instance of taking out the trash, and even then he's been fucking that up) and Mike has lost his food stamps, why should I continue to provide for a house that makes me feel like I'm a fourth-world citizen?

Before you ask, the way I'm ignored and degraded here, I feel less human than a third-world child. If I wanted that kind of treatment, I'd have stayed with my ex-wife prior to her Virginia trip.

At least then, I was getting something out of the deal.

It's not gonna be immediate, but I have no other choice--if I have any chance at self-preservation, this has to happen. I'm done with contributing to the house when it's getting damn clear I'm not considered an equal. And if this gets me kicked out early, fine, so be it. My peeps in my RP group might be pissed, but you know, I'd like to think that my survival on this planet would be more important than a roleplay or two.

There used to be a time when people would be able to count on the fact that I'd never shut the fuck up.

It's time I return to those roots.

And this time, people are NOT going to like how I turn out.

On a positive note, Z.J. is now tying his shoes and making his bed by himself as of this weekend. We've already worked out a deal where if he can continue to show this kind of independence for a weekend I have him without having to have anything done for him, he will be getting a replacement bubble gun for summer. And this one will be for outside because it'll be colored bubbles. (Thanks, Crayola, for making a product that forces kids to go outside and play for a while!) And he was very well-behaved around his cousins, especially Peyton.

Sometimes I wonder if Nicole sets Z.J. up to take the fall for a lot of what goes on at her house...

WJMC: Readaptation

"Yeah you told me that you were an angel / But I already know what you came for"

--Kevin Rudolf, You Make The Rain Fall

So much for reinvention...maybe it's time to re-adapt to a time before I started giving a damn what people thought.

For those of you who don't know, WJMC is in reference to a podcast I used to do where the rules of decency were thrown out the window in order to get a point across. While I'm going to TRY to avoid doing that, because I do want this to get some readership, the WJMC here falls under the same rules that the podcast did, meaning anything goes.

One of the things I started thinking about earlier today is how drastically opposite the people we see are viewed in society. The asshats and the douchebags are seen as the respected ones, the people everyone wants to be like. The people who are honest and try to live by some type of moral code are the ones that get spit on in the process.

Take three people who happen to live in the same house. One, A, is honest, hardworking, and dedicated. The second, B, is a manipulator and loves to lie and steal his way to possessions. The third, C, owns the house and asks A to pay rent, but doesn't ask anything of B except the house chores (and half the time, A still has to do them because B is gone all the time). Now, let's say some of A's items start disappearing seemingly at random. A few months go by, and the items turn up in the possession of B's girlfriend, G. G originally intends to give the items back to A, but B catches wind of this.

Now let's add to this--it turns out B has a major attitude problem and can barely keep his temper in check 90% of the time. A has tried to confront B a few times, but A is a pacifist by nature. So when B finds out that G plans to give A back their items, B goes to her car and destroys the items before G has a chance to return them.

Now, if you were C, what would you do?

Had this been ten years ago, the right answer would have been to kick B out of the house without question. Not this time--in 2011, the correct answer is to ridicule A and threaten to throw everyone out if B is accused of stealing one more thing in the house.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

And yet that's the attitude we've adopted as a culture. We've allowed the theives and criminals of our world to become the people we revere, and yet those of us who are trying to survive by being the decent ones are laughed at and told they're nothing.

I ain't living life like that anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm going to start smacking bitches with my strong hand and telling them they can suck my cartilage. But in the words of my ex-wife, the majority of people these days can have aeronautical intercourse with a forwardly-motivated pastry.

I'm done with people who would rather be with the morally deprived people of this planet. It's time to start respecting myself to the point where I demand that kind of excellence of the people I associate with.

You can tell me all you want that you're that way, but you have to prove it.

And here's a hint--using me, lying to me, or stealing from me won't work...

I mean, I checked in the last few relationships I had...

Reinvention

It's strange to think that a few months ago, I was so excited about all sorts of projects I was working on. The JND.MP3 game, the music, the writing.

Now...I barely feel the need to work on any of it.

It isn't that I now believe I suck at any of these things, that's not it at all. I just find that I have difficulty following through on any of it.

So I've decided that I'm going to get back into blogging, as that seemed to help keep me sane years ago when I was still doing it on Myspace and well before the era of hiding my thoughts. What I'll likely do is have a weekly thing done on Sunday night with blurbs done through the way.

In the meantime, here's a Thought of the Week I posted earlier on Facebook to get you started: 

It's easier to change your mind than it is to change your friends. Just because some of us are shy or introverted, just because some of us are more clean with our vocabulary or don't go out to the nightclubs, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. And if someone's trying to tell you that, know that I embrace the different side of life and I give a damn about you.

By the way, for future reference, quotes will be in Times.